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Sex and
Chronic Illness
A common problem among people with chronic illness,
especially women,
is a loss of their desire for sex. A frequent complaint from
their
partner is that their lover no longer wants sex. It can sometimes be
the
other way around, but this is the scenario I hear most often. This
creates
a lot of strain and can erode the quality of the relationship and
obliterate
intimacy, which can sometimes lead to infidelity.
The ill partner would probably be shocked to learn that
their partner
who is a good, decent, loving, and supportive person in most ways would
do such a thing and never suspects, because there is not honest
communication
about this problem. At the very least, the healthy partner may
experience
feelings of resentment, rejection and lack of satisfaction with the
relationship.
These things occur when couples are not able to be honest with one
another and talk about what they really need. Sex is a basic need
and an important part of who we are both as an individual and as a
couple.
We are all sexual beings; being sexual is part of being a whole and
healthy
person. Yes, there may be times during a temporary crises, such
as
a time when symptoms flare or a period of necessary separation that we
can expect our partner to go without sex for a period of time, but to
expect
our partner to go for years without some kind of sex life is not only
unrealistic,
but unhealthy as well.
Honest communication is essential. Communicate with
your partner
and encourage your partner to communicate with you. Your partner
may be afraid to burden you or hurt your feelings by talking about
their
sexual needs. Your partner may be afraid because they may feel
selfish
for having needs when you are sick. They may be afraid they
will hurt you or exacerbate your symptoms. They may belittle and
minimize their own need for sex because they don’t want you to feel
guilty.
They may pretend that sex is not important to them to make you feel
better.
Encourage your partner to talk you about it honestly. Yes, you
may
have some hurt feelings, but ultimately your relationship will grow
stronger.
Sex is just as important as any other need and should not be
ignored
or neglected. Don’t deny sexual feelings or repress
sexuality
because it is difficult or uncomfortable to deal with. Deal
directly
with the impact the illness has on your sexual relationship. Don't try
and candy coat it to protect one another's feelings. Talk about it
openly,
work it out and find alternatives that are satisfactory for both of
you.
When you live with a chronic illness it is easy to become
completely
focused on your own needs and neglect the needs of your
partner.
Even the partner may be a willing participant in pushing their needs
aside,
because they feel bad that you are sick. The partner’s needs must
be acknowledged and met as well.
Maintaining your sexual relationship is not just about
taking care of
your partner, it is also about taking care of yourself.
Even
if you are without a partner, nurturing your sexuality is still vitally
important and there are many ways you can keep your sexuality alive and
healthy.
Sex does not mean you have to have intercourse; it
encompasses a great
deal more than that. So if intercourse is not possible or
desirable
for you, it is still possible to be a healthy sexual being and enjoy
your
sexuality to the fullest. Try different positions if one is
painful;
try different kinds of sex if one form is not possible. If you
can’t
have intercourse then try anal, manual or oral. You can
masturbate
your lover or masturbate for them. Try different times of the
day.
Perhaps you have one time of the day when you feel better than other
times
of the day. Maybe in the morning or evening or before you eat.
Perhaps you need to schedule your sex in that time period
that you feel
better. You can lay close with your lover and coach them along
with
hot, sexy talk while they masturbate themselves. If you need to
be
away from your partner for a period of time you can have phone sex, by
touching yourself and describing in detail what you are doing or
describing
in detail what you would do to your partner if they were with
you.
If you have drifted apart from one another and are having
trouble reconnecting
sexually, then begin treating each other as you did when you first
met.
Woo and court one another. Treat each other special.
Romance
one another. Write yourself or your lover an erotic, sexy or
romantic
story. Use words that are arousing to you. Use
non-sexual
intimacy and closeness to build up passion. Cuddle, massage,
touch
and explore each others body while having deep intimate
conversations.
Set the mood with a shower together or by lying naked in one another’s
arms.
If you have lost touch with your sexuality, either with
partner or without,
you can reconnect by spending time alone making love with
yourself.
Rediscover your erogenous zones. Touch, massage, and stimulate
your
body. Find other areas of your body besides the genitals that are
erogenous, such as your neck, feet, ears, legs or thighs and focus on
the
sexual energy in those parts. Use all your senses. Spend
the
day naked in your house or at least a few hours. Get naked
outside.
Being naked outside can elicit great passion and unleash inhibitions as
it gets us in touch with our primal spirit. Have a love affair
with
nature. Take a long soothing bath with some soft music and wash
yourself
very sensuously. Let the shower titillate you and bring you to
orgasm.
Don’t wear any bra or panties; you will be amazed at how sexy and
aroused
this will make you feel. Tell your lover your not wearing any and
it will drive him wild.
Sometimes there can be something physical causing a lack of
desire in
sex. Seek counsel from a holistic physician. Testosterone
in
both males and females is the hormone responsible for our sexual
drive.
Sometimes a low level of testosterone in women can be the
culprit.
A malfunctioning thyroid may also cause a loss of desire.
Not only is sex an important part of who we are and of our
relationship,
but it can also benefit your illness. Sex is a great pain reliever,
because
of the endorphins released when orgasm occurs. The exchange of energy
when
being sexually intimate can also provide pain relief. By becoming
completely absorbed in the moment and the act of lovemaking you can
temporarily
transcend your pain and symptoms. The act of sex can divert your
attention away from your pain and symptoms.
Sex is one of the most beautiful, spiritual, life affirming
experiences
we can have. With a little effort you can reawaken your sexual
self
and deepen your relationship with yourself and your partner.
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