Learning The Art of Dirty Talk

By Great Sex Coach Cynthia Perkins, M.Ed.

Most couples are uncomfortable talking about sex and learning to use dirty talk with your lover can be even more challenging.

There's a stigma in society that associates such language with being a bad girl, a dirty man or sinful and shameful and these messages get planted in our subconscious and are hard to overcome.

Dirty Talk

If we can get past these negative associations we'll discover that our words have incredible seductive powers. Talking dirty can increase passion, intensify pleasure and connect us to our lover more deeply.

If you associate dirty talk with something bad or negative, try reframing it in your mind. Think of it as sexy talk, naughty talk or erotic talk.

Even those who would like to engage in dirty talk may feel awkward and unsure of what to say.

Many people fear being rejected, looking or sounding like a fool, being judged or offending their lover.

They feel vulnerable; it's kind of like giving your first speech in speech class in the 8th grade. You fear sounding ridiculous and being laughed at.

These are all very natural and understandable fears, but they can be overcome.

Here's a few important pointers to get you started on your dirty talk.

Getting Started with Dirty Talk

Understand that it takes time to learn good dirty talk. Be patient and kind with yourself.

Talk about it with your lover and establish ground rules for what each of you is comfortable with. Support one another, make suggestions for what you'd like to hear, encourage one another. No ridiculing or criticizing.

The most effective dirty talk will be a reciprocal interaction between both partners. When one lover says something, then the other lover responds back to them. As you alternate back and forth, your words will stimulate more words and arousal will heighten.

Practice out loud while you masturbate alone.

Start out by having phone sex with your lover, that way you won't feel so self-conscious.

If you're unsure what to say, have your partner tell you what they'd like to hear. Ask them to give you examples.

Watch and listen to adult videos or CD's.

If you're really shy and can't seem to muster up the courage then write your dirty talk in a love note and leave it on your lover's pillow, in their briefcase, taped on the mirror, etc.

The Basics of Dirty Talk

Most of us are aware of and comfortable with the very basics. So start out with these.

The ohs, ahs, and mmms. Increase their power a little by adding just a couple words. "Oh yes, yes, that's it, "mmmm that feels so great", "ahhh yes right there."

How You Say it is as Important as What you Say.

When talking dirty, you want to use your sexy voice. You can achieve this by lowering your voice like a whisper.

Use prolonged pronunciation and stretch out your syllables. Stress the syllable at the end of the word. For example: "wet" would be pronounced in a breathy wet-ah. "Yes" would be pronounced in a breathy yesss.

Your sound should fade out slowly with your breath.

Less is More

Use short sentences and brief phrases. Less words are more powerful.

Stay in the Present moment and Focus on These Things:

Timing is Very Important

If you're engaged in a very sensual, romantic moment, bursting out with a "I want to fuck your eyes out" may ruin the mood. Make the words match the mood.

If your engaged in sensual lovemaking then loving, sensual words will be effective.

If your fucking like banchees then a little more aggressive language is called for.

Be Yourself

Sound natural and authentic. This means that you should use language that you would normally use. Although it can also be fun to push yourself beyond your comfort level sometimes to explore unknown territory.

Levels of Language

Their are many different levels of language that can be used and it's important to know which level of language your lover is comfortable with. The levels can range anywhere from the mild and romantic to the explicitly vulgar. Here are 3 levels and some examples of each.


You're so beautiful.
You're so hot.
You're so sexy.
You feel so good.
Take me.
I want you.


I'm aching to feel you inside me.
Finger me.
Rock me.
Smack my ass.
My pussy is so wet and hot.
You're making me so hard.
Suck me.


Fuck the hell out of me.
Pound my fucking ass.
Put your hot cunt on my face.
Take my hard cock in your mouth.
I need a good fuck.
I want to suck your cock.

Some people may want to hear "fuck the hell out of me", while another person may want to hear, "drill me, pound me, do me, and yet another person may want to hear "make tender passionate love to me."

Or the same person may want to hear all those levels depending on what kind of sex their in the mood for at that time. Depending on the mood of the particular lovemaking session the level of language in your dirty talk can vary.

When the action gets going pretty good raise your voice a bit for emphasis.

Good dirty talk will not only enhance your sexual pleasure, but it will also strengthen your bonds with your lover, deepen intimacy, build a stronger relationship, make partners feel desired, loved, sexy and secure.

Many people are naturally more uncomfortable using dirty talk with a new lover. Therefore, this is often a skill that will be easier to learn with someone you have a relationship with and a certain level of trust and comfort.

A couple great books to help you learn dirty talk are "Exhibitionism for the Shy" by Carol Queen and :The Fine Art of Erotic Talk" by Bonnie Gabriel.

Additionally, men and women often have different preferences in what type of dirty talk they enjoy.

If you're a woman, and need a little help in learning how to talk dirty or how to use it your fullest advantage, there's a great little guide called "The Ultimate Guide to Talking Dirty." that I highly recommend you take a look at and watch your man become putty in your hands in a matter of minutes.

If you're a man, and are need of a little help in this department, there's a great little guide for you as well called, "Dirty Talking for Lusty Sex" that will have your woman melting in your arms.

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