Needs
by Cynthia Perkins, M.Ed.
Excerpted from "The Lovemaking Smorgasbord"
Infidelity can occur for a variety of reasons; boredom, ego,
power,
emotional pain, a partners loss of desire and addiction to name the
most
common, but what I have learned from my interactions with couples is
that
the key factor leading to dissatisfaction in their sex lives and
unfaithfulness
is one or all of the following: an inability to recognize what
their
sexual and emotional needs are, an inability to effectively communicate
these needs to their partner and an inability or unwillingness to meet
the needs of their partner.
Knowing what your needs are is essential to getting your
needs met.
Getting your needs met is essential to happiness and satisfaction in
your
relationship. Having your needs met and meeting the needs of your
partner is basically what a relationship is about. When your needs are
not met, then you are unhappy with your relationship.
We have the need for love, support, affection, housing,
money, companionship,
friendship, and sex to name a few. Then within each of those
needs
are many other needs. For instance, within our need for sex we
may
need intellectual stimulation, we may need to be touched in a certain
spot,
we may need lots of foreplay, we may need naughty talk, we may need
emotional
closeness, we may need it several times a week while others may need
silence
and only once a month. Everyone's needs are different. In a
relationship, we learn what each other's needs are and then meet them
for
one another the best that we can.
In order to get your needs met you must first know what your
needs are.
You need to clearly define what your desires and wants are, what
arouses
you, what turns you off, and what your emotional needs are.
Emotional
needs are just as important as sexual and they are intertwined.
If
emotional needs are met, but not the sexual, or if sexual needs are
met,
but not the emotional, then dissatisfaction will ensue.
There’s a tendency for partners with an unhappy sex life to
downplay
their sexual needs and minimize their importance. “Oh it’s just
sex”
they may try to assure themselves. They try to convince themselves that
it’s okay, but they are resentful and unhappy. Sexual needs are
just
as important as any other need and should not be minimized or ignored.
We often joke that men don’t understand women, but this is a
two way
street. Women often don’t understand men either. Some needs
are different for males than they are for females and some are the
same.
These differences need to be understood and respected.
Unmet needs result in frustration, anger, resentment, and
even depression,
which ultimately wreck havoc on the relationship when unresolved.
At the very least it leaves you feeling unhappy, dissatisfied and
unfulfilled
and at worst leaves you at high risk for infidelity.
No mate can meet absolutely every need you have, but they
should meet
enough of them that you can have a satisfying, fulfilling
relationship.
The ones that are your biggest priority should be met, and both
partners
needs should be met, not just his or hers. There should be a
healthy
balance between the both of you.
Once you have clarified what your needs are, you must
examine whether
your partner is meeting those needs and if not, then determine how you
can get those needs met. To get those needs met then
communicating
them to your partner is the next step, which we will discuss in more
detail
in the following chapter.
I often hear from couples that they have not discussed their
needs with
their partner. For many it is very difficult. Sometimes they don’t know
how or they are afraid of rejection or criticism or they are just
uncomfortable
talking about sex. There’s a great deal of dishonesty and hiding
of true selves and desires. For a successful satisfying relationship
you
must take the risk and share your true self honestly. Sometimes a
partner
doesn’t meet a particular need because they don’t understand how
important
it is to you. You must be willing to communicate.
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