5 Keys to More Passionate Sex
By Great Sex Coach Cynthia Perkins, M.Ed.
Many of the factors contributing to passionate sex have nothing to do with the sexual act itself. It is much more than a specific technique, setting the mood with music or candles, the perfect position, or a hot new toy. All these things are great tools for couples, but they alone will not create passion.
There are a few basic keys that need to be in place to set a good foundation first. They are as follows:
- Passion Dwindles
The first thing that's important for couples to understand is that it is inevitable that passion will decrease over time. When lovers settle into the comfort and stability of a long term relationship it is natural and normal for it to change and become less intense. You can expect that boredom will occur.
You haven't done anything wrong, your relationship is not a failure or in trouble. However, it can get into trouble if you allow this pattern to continue without being willing to take steps to keep passion alive.
By being aware of this issue you empower yourself to protect your relationship from deterioration that can occur from lack of passion and sexual boredom.
It's best to know this ahead of time and start working on your relationship before your passion has faded away completely, however if it has evaporated, it's never too late, it may just take a little more work.
A really great tool for couples to use in their quest for more passionate sex is "The Lovemaking Smorgasbord - A Couple's Menu for Feeding Passion & Fidelity." It's thoughtfully designed to nurture the sexual needs of both men and women.
One of the most essential ingredients for passionate sex is intimacy. Intimacy creates more passionate sex and sex that is more passionate connects your more deeply, thus you create a reciprocal effect that creates a circle of enhanced intimacy and more enjoyable lovemaking.
In the beginning of a new relationship most couples experience very passionate sex. Just the thought of your lover can send waves of desire through your loins. This is largely the result of chemistry and novelty. It's always exciting exploring unknown territory. Over time chemistry and novelty wear off and thus passion diminishes. They no longer work the magic they once did.
As a couple builds a life together, life happens and passion gets buried or lost under things like stress, taking care of children, conflicts, work, daily hassles etc. Pretty soon you're too busy, too exhausted etc.
Many couples fall into the pattern of just going through the motions. They pass each other in the bathroom or the hallway with a peck on the lips, they exchange a couple sentences as each one shoves a sandwich down their throat. They sleep in the same bed, but hardly know one another.
Their relationship becomes shallow and falls prey to pseudo intimacy.
Take time to be (really) together. Eat dinner together, wash dishes together, lay on a blanket in the yard and look at the stars. Really talk about your day and share yourself deeply and completely. Have fun together.
This doesn't mean that you don't have your own life or identity, as a matter of fact the stronger your own identity the more passion you can have. Give each other space to pursue your own interests. This keeps you interesting and attractive to your partner. The old saying absence makes the heart grow fonder carries some truth. You need to miss each other now and then. Too much time together can stifle passion. Not enough can stifle it too. There needs to be a balance.
You can't have passionate sex without meaning and connection. The more meaningful and connected you are to your lover the more passionate the sex will be.
Can you have passionate sex with a stranger, yes, of course, but that's because it's new and unique. But, if you were to continue having sex with this person and develop a relationship, in time it too would become less passionate as the newness wears off. You'd have to move onto a new partner again and again and again to keep having passionate sex without intimacy and connection. Unfortunately many people fall into a pattern of moving from one partner to another to find passion again instead of working on their current relationship.
One of the issues I hear the most from couples that I consult with is that they don't really communicate.
Many couples aren't being honest with their partner in regard to sexual matters. They are afraid or uncomfortable to be up front about what they need to be pleasured. They avoid discussions about their sex life.
Some people hide their true turn ons, desires and fantasies, because they fear rejection or ridicule or feel too vulnerable.
If their partner doesn't satisfy them adequately, they keep it to themselves and go with unmet needs.
Each partner must be open and honest about what pleases them. If you don't communicate, you can't be pleasured, and if your not satisfied you certainly won't be having passionate sex.
Revealing your sexual needs, desires, turn ons and fantasies is one of the best ways to increase intimacy. Their is nothing more intimate you can share with your lover. When couples find the courage to share this part of themselves and be truthful with their partner, they witness amazing depth in intimacy and sexual satisfaction.
- Resolve Conflict
Another very common scenario I find in couples I consult with is that they are afraid of confrontation and conflict. They carry around a great deal of unresolved conflict. They avoid confrontation at all costs.
This is a major passion killer.
If you're angry with your partner, or hurt, you're not going to experience passionate sex. On the other hand, if you express these feelings to your partner and they acknowledge them and say they're sorry then the flames of passion will blaze again.
Confronting conflict will not destroy your relationship. Avoiding confrontation and letting unresolved conflict build up year after year will.
Face problems head on, honestly. Don't let hurt feelings or anger to build. Express them and deal with them as each one occurs. This creates more intimacy and deepens the relationship.
Don't take one another for granted. How you treat each other outside the bedroom is very important to how passionate your sex will be. You can't just hop into bed and have passion appear out of no where. It must be nurtured on a daily basis in all areas of your relationship.
- Be Bold, Daring and Adventurous.
Keep the mysterious, novel and unexpected alive in your relationship and passion will automatically ensue.
Surprise your lover with the unexpected. Be bold and present them with an ever changing menu of adventurous sexual activities.
Don't be afraid to be daring and step out of the comfort zone.
Keep your partner always guessing. Remember when you first met how exciting it was exploring the new and unknown territory? Not knowing what to expect made you aroused, attracted and passionate. Respond to them in a different way, initiate an encounter in a daring and unique way.
Intrigue your lover by being mysterious and unpredictable in the bedroom.
You can find hundreds of tips and ideas to help you be a more daring and adventurous lover and have more passionate sex in "The Lovemaking Smorgasbord. - A Couple's Guide for Feeding Passion & Fidelity" From the naughty to the nice there's a little something for every mood.
Master these basic keys for more passionate sex and you will have a relationship that is strong, exciting and resistant to the destructive forces of sexual boredom.