So what exactly does sex drive mean? It can
be
defined in many ways, but basically it refers to
how strong is your desire for
sex or in other words how strong is your appetite, force or motivation
to participate in sexual activity. It is sometimes referred to as
libido, or sexual desire.
What is a normal level of desire? Most sex experts report that
once or
twice a week is considered average, but it's important to understand
that there is is no real standard for what's "normal." Some
people have low desires, some people have high desires and
others have something in between. Normal is defined by what is
normal for you. What's normal for one couple, may not be normal for
another couple. One person may want sex seven days a week and another
person may want it only once a week. Both of these are normal. If you
usually desire sex five times a week then out of nowhere you don't want
it all or only want it once a week, then that's not normal for you.
Trying to decipher what comprises a healthy sex drive can be very
confusing, because there's so much misinformation available. But
a good rule of thumb is this: your level of desire is only a
concern when it causes problems for you or your partner.
If you and your partner are satisfied with your level of desire and it
doesn't cause any internal or external conflict then there is not a
problem. However, if you feel like your missing something, wish
your desire were higher or your partner feels their needs are not being
met, then there may be a problem.
Mismatched sex drives is a very common problem in couples and one of
the main reasons couples seek counseling. The couple is at high
risk of infidelity or the ending of the relationship if negotiation and
compromise can't be achieved.
If you're already clear that your drive is lower than you like and
you're looking for ways to boost it, then you may want to
check out the
Increase Your Sex Drive
E-class.
Loss of sex drive is very common in women but not as common in
men. It is believed to affect about 20-25% of men and 40-50% for
women.
However it is a lot more common in men than we know, because men are
ashamed to admit it.
Loss of libido in men is more socially unacceptable
and more upsetting to both partners than it is for women and therefore
it threatens his masculinity.
The AMA estimates millions of women (several million) suffer with what
they call female sexual arousal disorder. I'm not one to embrace
"labels" so I don't like to use all these technical terms for
disorders, so we'll just refer to it as loss of sex drive.
Many of these women are reluctant to address the issue. They
don't see it as a problem that has the potential to erode intimacy,
increase the risk of infidelity or ultimately destroy their
relationship.
There's a difference between sex drive and sexual arousal. Sex
drive is the desire for sex, and sexual arousal is the physical ability
of the body to be aroused. Loss of desire is not an inability to
get aroused or have orgasm. Most people with low sex drive still
get aroused and reach orgasm.
Something causes loss of desire and if you can pinpoint the cause then
you can find a solution. Loss of desire can be physical, emotional,
hormonal or relational.
Common Causes of Loss of Desire in women
-underlying sexual abuse
-traumatic sexual experiences
-hormonal imbalances such as testosterone or thyroid
-inability to ask for what they need to be aroused
-lack of awareness of what it is they need to be aroused
-women can be afraid of or uncomfortable with their sex drive because
women in our society are expected to be mutli-orgasmic sex kittens and
yet still be virginal. This creates confusion and they may deny
their
sex drive because they don't want to be viewed as loose or a slut.
-unresolved hurt, anger or conflict with their mate
-their mate is not meeting their sexual needs
(Men do not innately know how to pleasure a woman. They tend to
try and pleasure a woman in the way they like to be pleasured, which
doesn't work. You must teach your man how to satisfy you.)
Men may experience occasional bouts of low sex drive because of
stress, job, money or unresolved conflict as well and as men age their
sex drive can also decline. But some of the causes for
men are different than the causes for woman. Other common reasons
for men consist of: testosterone, fatigue, anger or resentment
for what he perceives as bitchiness from his woman.
It's important to note that desire for sex can change over the years and
it's normal to fluctuate. Major life changes such as loss, moving, a
job change, having a child, a child leaving home, medications, stress,
financial difficulties, job conflicts, health problems and being too
busy can all impact your level of desire. Anything that affects your
emotional life can impact your sex drive.
Sometimes low sex drive can simply occur because your relationship has
gotten into a rut. You've become focused on other aspects of your
life such as the children, job, etc. and need to get refocused on your
sexual connection or energy.
One of the easiest most cost effective ways to increase your sex drive
is to "just do it" as the saying goes. Push yourself to engage in sex
even if you don't feel like it. Desire feeds desire, therefore, the
more you engage in sex the more sex you'll want.
If you need a little help sorting things out or tips to boost your
drive, check out this great little ebooklet
Keep
Your Sexual Desires Burning.
Return from sex drive back to sexual health issues
