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Sex and the Soul
The title of this article is likely to provoke many
feelings, thoughts,
sarcasms etc., as many people falsely believe that sex, spirituality,
and
the soul are at opposite ends of a continuum. It is incredibly
sad
that something so beautiful and intrinsic in our nature is so poorly
understood
and completely obliterated in our society. Most of us are
taught
from an early age that the body is dirty, sex is bad and that we
shouldn’t
touch our genitals. Somewhere along the line we developed this
inaccurate
perception that sex and spirituality are separate and that in order to
be spiritual you need to be asexual and that you are a better person if
you divorce yourself from your sexual energy, feelings, desires, and
needs
and that spirituality is somehow superior to sexuality.
These attitudes are in complete contradiction to what is
natural and
healthy. It is like cutting off one of your legs and trying to
run.
We are taught to suppress our sexuality and to feel shame for being a
sexual
being and therefore this creates the problematic patterns we see
associated
with sex in our society such as excessive sex partners, violence,
dissatisfaction
with ones sex life, sexual confusion, degradation, incest, addiction
that
are practically an epidemic. We have created a society with two sexual
extremes and very few people are able to find a healthy medium.
At
one end we have people with very few or no limits where meaningless
sex,
addiction, violence, rape, incest, degradation etc. occurs and at the
other
end we have people with very rigid limits who are afraid of sex, who
are
uncomfortable even talking about it, who don’t know even know what
arouses
them, who think it is dirty and bad and should be hidden and or not
engaged
in. The common thread in both of these extremes is shame.
People
at both ends of the continuum are experiencing shame but exhibit it in
different ways. These are prime examples of what happens when we
disconnect our soul from our sexual selves.
One of the factors that cause sex to create such great
difficulty in
our relationships is because sexual energy and spiritual energy feel
very
similar. Sometimes it is difficult to tell the two apart.
They
often overlap. Because our society doesn’t encourage awareness or
understanding of either one of these energies we are left to try and
figure
them out ourselves and in our ignorance we develop patterns that are
unhealthy.
Sex is very spiritual and spirituality can feel very sexual at
times.
I also believe this is one of the factors that makes sex addictive, as
I believe all addictions are really a search for the spiritual.
Addictive
substances and activities give us that incredible whole, at one with
the
universe, complete, euphoric feeling that spirituality makes us
feel.
Because it feels so wonderful, we want to feel it over and over so we
keep
doing the substance or activity. After awhile we need more and
more
of the substance or activity to have the same feeling. We are not
taught that these incredible spiritual feelings can be achieved on a
regular
basis through developing deep healthy relationships with the universe,
others and ourselves.
Sex is not bad, dirty, unhealthy and the root of these
problems.
It is the separation of sex from our souls and suppression of sexual
energy
that creates these problems. It is the lack of understanding and
awareness of our sexual energy and the ignorance this creates that
causes
us to act in ways that our troublesome and destructive. Being
taught
to suppress and divorce our sexual energy separates us from a vital
piece
of our spirituality. Our whole survival is dependent upon sex as
well as being one of the most pleasurable experiences we can have and
one
of the most spiritual experiences one can have when in the context of
love
and respect. Sexuality is a core ingredient of our spiritual make
up. By continually trying to suppress sexuality we are only
throwing fuel on the fire. The solution is to explore and embrace
our sexual energy, thoughts, feelings, and fantasies. Reclaim our
sexuality and reconnect it to our souls. Get it out
in
the open. Part of the reason destructive sexual forces have so
much
power is because of the suppression and shame. Problems loose
their
power when brought out in the open and dealt with directly.
So how do we shed ourselves of years of negative
conditioning and develop
a healthier attitude, reconnect our souls with our sexuality and
celebrate
our sexual selves. Well to begin with and to ensure that our next
generation
will be a more sexually enlightened group of people we start by
teaching
our children. From a very early age we help them to develop a
healthy
appreciation and respect for their bodies and promote a healthy
attitude
towards masturbation. We talk freely and openly with them about
sex
without shame. We encourage them to talk to us and ask
questions.
We teach them the difference between healthy and unhealthy sex.
We
teach them that sex is human, healthy and sacred and not just a
physical
act.
My personal belief is that healthy soul-satisfying sex takes
place between
two people who connect on many levels and do or are on their way to
care
about each other. In my experience the deeper the relationship
and
the deeper the spiritual connection is then the more fantastic and
spiritual
the sex will be. Healthy spiritual sex can also occur by yourself
if you are without partner by deepening your relationship with
yourself.
Meaningless or casual sex usually results in feelings of emptiness,
unfulfillment,
and shame. It takes us further away from our souls and leaves us
searching for more in someone else. In my opinion, great
sex
requires deep spiritual connections, deep intellectual connections,
communication
and as the relationship evolves trust will become an issue.
Sometimes
we meet someone and have an instant attraction. In this instance
great sex can occur quickly, but if deepening of the spiritual and
intellectual
connection, communication and trust are not nurtured then this
attraction
will diminish and die. These things can only be developed over
time
and therefore the deeper the trust, the connection and communication is
then the less inhibitions we will have and the freer we will become in
enjoying our sexual experiences. The sex will become even more
explosive
and we will be able achieve new heights of passion and fulfillment we
didn’t
know existed. The depth of relationships has no limit except
those
that we bring to it with our own fears and issues and therefore if we
allow
the relationship to grow and deepen there will always be another higher
level of great sex to be achieved.
I understand that many people are comfortable with casual
sex and that
especially in adolescents, young adulthood and phases of adulthood such
as after divorce that it may be necessary to experiment, retaliate or
be
reckless to find ones way and learn. There may also be times in our
lives
when we are not able to find a partner that we connect deeply with and
may still have the need to fulfill our sexual needs. But,
ultimately
I believe that what we find is that the most fulfilling sex is that
which
is explored with someone we care about, but we may have to go down many
roads and go through many experiences to learn this for
ourselves.
So while we are on this journey or when we are with our loving partner
I believe there are basic tenets we should teach our children and abide
by ourselves to promote spiritual, respectful, ethical sex. Those
tenets are:
· Respect
· Neither party should be hurt physically
· No coercion
· Honesty
· Both parties should agree upon the activity engaged in
· Communication
· Both parties should want the same result. (Ex. If you
are looking for just sex then you should not have sex with someone you
know is looking for a relationship. )
Other steps you can take to continue to celebrate your
sexuality may
include beginning to tell yourself different messages. Tell
yourself
that sex is great, wonderful, good and spiritual. Find some good
books on healthy sexuality and erotica and read, read, read.
Visit
some web sites. Do everything you can to educate yourself.
It will probably take a long time to override the old voices in your
head
and you may need to hear the new messages over and over. It may
be
helpful to talk to someone like an advisor or an educator to help
validate
your new messages. Try to find friends who are on the journey of
understanding
their sexuality or who are comfortable with sex that you can share this
aspect of yourself with freely.
Explore your own body and discover what you like and what
you don’t.
Find what excites you and what doesn’t. What feels good and what
doesn’t. Make love with yourself. If you have a partner, let your
partner know what you need and want and when you become comfortable
with
it, then allow your partner to watch you while you fulfill
yourself.
This can be very arousing for both partners and it teaches you both new
things about each other’s bodies.
Be adventurous. Be aware. Be present in the here
and now.
Allow yourself to become immersed in the sexual experience. Open
yourself up and fully experience each touch, sensation, smell,
movement,
sound and taste while you are making love with yourself or your
lover.
Tune into your body and soul and listen to the yearnings of your soul;
they will guide you. Be willing to try new things even if
they
feel foreign or scary.
Get naked outside and make wild passionate love.
Personally I
believe that there is not anything more arousing and spiritual than to
be naked outside and make love with the feel of the elements upon your
body. There is something incredibly freeing about it and it
elicits
uninhibited passions. It takes you back to the primal
basics.
This can be done either by yourself or with partner.
Communicate. Communicate. Communicate. This cannot be
emphasized
enough. Talk to your lover about your feelings, needs,
wants.
Express your fears, inhibitions and embarrassments as well as your
fantasies
and expectations. If you are without partner then get to know
yourself
completely from the inside out. Not only will this enhance your
sexual
experience, but will make life more fulfilling in general and if the
time
comes to be with a partner again then you will be a better lover and
better
able to enjoy the experience fully. If you are with partner
then get to know yourself and your lover from the inside out.
Sex is one of the most powerful spiritual experiences we can
experience.
It should be celebrated and honored for the magnificent gift that it
is.
Reclaim your sexuality. Experience the wonder and joy of
soul-satisfying
sex. Your soul will thank you.
"The Lovemaking Smorgasbord really lives up to it's name. Packed
with
lots of delicious meals to share with your lover, it's the perfect
combination of naughtiness and intimacy." ~Diana , Seattle WA
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